


For Granted

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Aging, Caretaking, Depression, Established Relationship, Friendship/Love, Harmony - Freeform, M/M, Sacrifice, Samsāra, twentica
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 02:15:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8126519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: When Rimmer starts feeling his age after the adventures in Twentica Lister discovers something his husband and Kryten did not want him to know. Can he fix this? (Spoilers: Twentica, Samsara)





	

His alarm had been beeping for about fifteen minutes, but Arnold Rimmer didn't want to get up. He was tired, so terribly tired. He was 756 now and his holo-health was slowly fading, something he tried to keep from Lister every day.  
_“Whine, winge, complain, but never show him you're unwell.”_ Was a rule he'd lived by ever since Legion had made him hardlight. The joy of having a real body again was short lived when he realised that it meant suffering all too human health-complaints again, even though they progressed at a very slow speed. Lister was aware of some of it, but over the years he'd done a great job at keeping most of his problems hidden. Lister needed to live, to be pushed, challenged. He didn't need a tired Hologram to look after. He needed a bickering husband that riled him and snapped him into action.

Today, though, it was impossible to keep up the pretence any longer: he was broken. The day before had been too much: a nice trip to a restaurant planet had been disrupted by Expanoids who'd held him hostage for hours and even took him to the past and back. Then, when he'd been released he and the gang had to save the past and restore the future on earth in the 1950's. That part had been great, he'd loved it there and got through it on adrenaline. Now, though, he had nothing left, his body had shut down and all he wanted was sleep. If only that smegging alarm would give up on trying to rouse him.  
The door opened. He knew it was Kryten. The Android always checked their room after everyone got up, in-case something needed cleaning.  
“Oh my Creator! Sir, you are still in bed … I'm so sorry I will clean later.”  
“Kryten …” Rimmer croaked softly.  
“Sir …?”  
“Please?”  
“The alarm sir?”  
“Yes …”  
Kryten clonked to the alarm and switched it of. Rimmer sighed with relief; peace at last. Shivering he wrapped his blankets around himself and shut his eyes tighter.  
“Are you alright sir?”  
_“Kryten sounds weird when you're half asleep”_ , Rimmer's sleepy brain noted for no reason.  
“Just feeling a bit tired Kryten. Need more sleep.”  
A cold metal hand on his forehead, it felt nice, actually.  
“Oh sir, if you're unwell I could give you a check up if you want.”  
“Maybe later, just let me sleep now Kryten.”  
“Certainly sir.”  
Clunky footsteps leaving the room.  
As the silence enveloped him a part of Rimmer's brain wondered if Kryten would tell Lister, that worried him, but he was too tired to do anything about it.

* * *

It was twelve in the afternoon and Dave Lister felt increasingly worried: Rimmer still wasn't up. This was very unlike him: his husband was always up at the same time every day to start his daily routines. It confused him not seeing him do his daily jogs and check lists. Kryten had told him Rimmer felt “tired” and didn't want to be disturbed. That didn't sound good.  
He'd noticed last night, when they returned home after their adventures, that his husband had looked a little pale. When they arrived in their bunk he'd just collapsed into his bed and crashed out. He was certain Rimmer hadn't been up since. He had even missed the victory dinner party Kryten had prepared. Well, he'd missed most of it himself too as he'd got very drunk.  
  
Suddenly a niggle that had been at the back of his head since yesterday jumped forwards: _“For me it was hours”_. Rimmer had said. He froze: what a smeghead he was! His husband had been captured by these Expanoids for ages and he'd never even asked if he was alright? What if they'd given him a virus or something? He'd better check up on him.

* * *

A noise startled Rimmer from his sleep, he blinked drowsily to focus until he saw Lister enter with an overloaded breakfast tray.  
“Hey babe. I saw you weren't up yet. Thought I'd bring you something. Are you okay?”  
Rimmer tried to raise himself to give Lister a reassuring smile. He was surprised at how stiff and painful his body was.  
“Just tired Listy, don't worry.”  
Lister squinted at him:  
“Be honest man, you're really pale!”  
Rimmer gave up on sitting up and sighed: “I'm just a bit unwell Lister. The stress from yesterday.”  
Lister put the tray away, set himself down on the edge of Rimmer's bunk and took his hand.  
“Hey, did they hurt you yesterday? I'm so sorry baby, I can't believe I never asked!!”  
Rimmer shivered again. He wanted to forget about the Expanoids. They had read his thoughts and taunted him with what they'd found. They had hurt him too, the full agony of it was only just registering in his body, but hearing his own fears back was what had been the worst.  
“They did, a bit …”He mumbled noncommittally. “But it was mental torture mostly.”  
“Torture? Mostly?” Lister sounded appalled. “Smeg!! Hey, you just stay in bed today, okay?”  
Rimmer nodded. He didn't know if he'd been able to get up even if he wanted to.

* * *

A silence, Lister played with Rimmer's hand. He felt annoyed at how pale and drawn Rimmer looked. What was he hiding from him? There was something about yesterday that made him feel Rimmer was keeping something from him, as did Kryten.  
  
“Hey Arn, what was all that weirdness back there?”  
Rimmer blinked at him in surprise.  
“What?”  
“In the 1950's … You almost getting yourself and Kryten shut down and me stuck on that earth.”  
A flash of shock in Rimmer's eyes before he caught himself.  
“Oh, I made a mistake. I didn't know I'd be shut down too.”  
If Rimmer really thought he'd fall for that one again he had another thing coming.  
“Oh come on Rimmer, you're not that thick. Of course you knew they'd shut you down too as the same happened on Starbug.”

* * *

Oh he'd known alright: he'd been starting to feel ill by then, and useless. He'd felt useless all day: it had started during the negotiations. The fact he'd stupidly got himself taken hostage, the fact that he had lost every skill he'd ever had as Ace and couldn't protect Lister. The Expanoids had taunted him with that: ruffled his hair to make him look like a low rent version of the space hero.  
  
What good was he to the man he loved so much? Lister was getting cleverer: religiously doing his studies. Soon he wouldn't need him or Kryten.  
He was certain Lister thought he was an idiot: all those years of studies and travel and he couldn't even answer a simple question. He couldn't even get them into that club. Even the Cat could do that.  
He was letting Lister down, no matter what he tried he was a failure. So yes, the thought of him shutting down to grant Lister a chance at life on earth had sounded good then. Lister had been so happy seeing humans again.  
That lady, Harmony or something, the way she had looked at him. As if she could see his despair. She had remained silent when he'd suggested Lister's staying. But her eyes had burned right through him. But then Kryten blabbed and he'd messed it all up: again! When Lister looked so horrified at the thought of losing him and Kryten his own cowardice and the thought of Lister being upset had made him run to Starbug. Why couldn't he have been stronger? Lister might have been upset for a bit, but would have had a better life in the end. Lister had missed chance after chance. Who knew when the next one came along? Suddenly he realised Lister was still talking.  
  
“... I mean why were you almost forcing me to stay and talking about us not being stuck together any more?”  
Rimmer sighed. He was too ill for this, but he'd try to explain.  
“Listy …” He whispered.  
“Yes Rimmer?”  
“You have to find earth … humans, settle down.”  
Another silence Lister looked put out by that, Rimmer noted.  
“Arnold, I told ya. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and the guys. It's with you I'm home.”  
  
Rimmer sighed, Lister couldn't depend on him or Kryten and certainly not Cat. They didn't have a future together, Lister could have a future on earth. Maybe it was best to tell him the truth now.  
“Lister … This can't be your life forever. I'm a crap husband and I'm getting more useless all the time. I … I soon won't be able to get up every day. It … it's already getting harder.”  
Despite everything the look of horror and worry that exploded on Lister's face filled him with gratitude: Lister did still love him.  
“What do you mean babe?” Lister asked anxiously. “Are you sick? I never noticed? You're always there.”  
“I'm forcing myself Listy. But I'm so tired sometimes.”  
A warm hand on his cheek, two brown eyes burning into him.  
“Wait … what do you mean? How long have you felt like this?”  
“A while …”  
  
Lister crawled into bed with his husband. Slowly, to keep the pain at minimum Rimmer wrapped himself against him, his head on his lap. Lister stroked his hair gently.  
“You never said you were feeling sick babe.” Lister muttered softly. “You feel warmer than usual. You got a holo-fever or something?”  
Rimmer let out a pathetically soft groan. He knew what it was: a stress fever. He often had those, something else he'd hidden from his partner.  
“I'm just getting old Lister. That's why I tried to get you home. You don't need to be stuck with me like this.”

* * *

A feeling of hurt and anger crept into Lister's heart hearing Rimmer say this. Seriously? Rimmer just wanted to be shut down instead of telling him the truth? Why couldn't he and Kryten let him make his own decisions for once?  
“What? You think I wouldn't want you just because you're ill and so you're sending me away instead? You almost got yourself killed you stupid smeghead. I love you Arnold. Even if you'd just lay in bed drooling all day I'd still be with you.”  
Rimmer chuckled softly but then looked at him, his eyes extremely serious.  
“You deserve better. I wanted you to live. Find interesting people. A partner who can inspire you!”  
There he went again, Lister sighed, dragging himself down.  
“What are you on man? You inspire me plenty.”  
Absolute astonishment on Rimmer's face at his answer.  
“Why? I've accomplished nothing. I _mean_ nothing. I've never got a break. I've never … never ...” He tiredly trailed of.  
  
With a sigh Lister begun building up his husbands self esteem again, surprised he'd never realised that he was doing so badly.  
“Hey, you have a lot going for you: you never give up, you keep trying, you kept me sane all these years. Okay, you did it by driving me nuts, but I'm still alive, I still dream of a future and that future is with you.”  
Rimmer listened to him, his eyes closed, his pale lips tight.  
“I wish I could think like you. But … smeg I'm a failure. I even failed as Ace ...”  
“No, you didn't. You couldn't help what happened!”  
Rimmer opened his eyes to look at him and snorted.  
“I call that failing. If I could just get one more shot at being someone I can be proud of maybe then I'd feel I deserve to rest and be happy with you.”

Lister put his hand on Rimmer's cheek again.  
“Arn, look at me: I'm proud of you, doesn't that count?”  
A tear welled up in the Hologram's eye and slowly slid down his cheek as he answered.  
“That means the world to me, you know that. I think you should have been Ace, Lister. I always felt that. You love exploring, doing battle to save worlds and all that. All I want is peace and quiet and … read maybe …” He closed his eyes and cringed, then he drifted of. “I'm sorry, I'm boring … Kryten and I … we know you need adventures … So … don't worry …”  
Lister froze. “Just go to sleep now, Arn.” he managed to whisper. The Hologram didn't reply, he was already gone.  
  
As Rimmer slept in his lap Lister bit his lip. His husband had probably been too tired to realise what he had said, but he'd got it loud and clear: his two friends were sacrificing their needs to keep him occupied. He'd always had the feeling that Kryten had sometimes “arranged” for adventures to happen to keep him happy and Rimmer just went along with it. Left to their own devices they'd be perfectly content to drift through space peacefully: Rimmer would read all day in the botanical gardens maybe help Kryten to keep them pretty, while Kryten himself would enjoyed his soaps and amble about the place cleaning. The trips that usually led them into danger were almost always for his benefit. Rimmer might have tried to mask his willingness to sacrifice himself, Kryten just blissfully accepted the knowledge that Lister living happily on earth would mean his demise.  
It had taken all this for him to realise that he was completely dependent on electricity, science and technology: his husband needed it to live, his best friend was an android, the Cat would probably kill himself without being able to use his electric grooming appliances and the place he called home only functioned because of it.  
  
Lister cringed when a memory of last night resurfaced: him drunkenly rambling on about people depending on electricity and machines and how wrong that was, while Kryten fussed about undressing him, even brushing his teeth. Was he the same man who had tried to break his friends programming all those years ago? He'd gotten lazy.  
Meanwhile Rimmer had been left ill and on his own. Sure he hadn't known he was unwell, but … He still couldn't believe he hadn't asked him if he was okay after being kidnapped earlier.  
He also felt anger at how little Rimmer thought of himself. Everything was smegged up and things needed to change.  
  
A sudden dry coughing fit woke Rimmer up. He slowly blinked up at Lister and swallowed a few times.  
“Listy … could you give me something to drink please …?” He asked, sounding hoarse and embarrassed.  
Lister smiled down at him, happy to be useful.  
“Sure, I've got tea here, you want that Arn?” Rimmer nodded gratefully.  
Lister gently untangled himself from the exhausted Hologram to walk to the tray on the table to pore him some tea which he helped him drink.  
“You want to eat something too, Arnie?”  
A weary head-shake.  
“Too tired to eat.”  
Rimmer needed food. The food turned into something that helped to keep his lightbee charged and in good condition. Lister knew that if his husband didn't eat he'd get even weaker and he wasn't having that.  
“No, that's not good. Come babe.”  
Despite pained groans and weak protests Lister helped his husband sit up, then propped up his back with pillows. When he was certain his husband was comfortable he proceeded to feed Rimmer tiny, easy to swallow bites.  
  
_“Why were you hiding your problems babe?”_ Lister thought, as he looked at Rimmer. _“I could have helped. I don't want you running around like a loony when you feel sick. You're not my wind-up-doll there just to entertain me, keep me occupied. Kryten isn't either. Can't believe I've been so blind to what you two were doing.”_  
Watching his partner chew agonisingly slowly, his eyes dark with dull sadness, Lister suddenly understood. It wasn't just the illness that had driven him to try and get himself shut down, it was the depression. All those years he'd taken Rimmer's actions for granted: expecting him to be there, to think of things to do. To rile him, keep him from going crazy with boredom. But who did this for Rimmer? Who kept him occupied? He had the Cat to do a lot of the stuff he liked with, but who did the stuff Rimmer liked? Who challenged him, kept him focussed and occupied? Who lifted his mind from the dumps? He had to give him back his fighting spirit and he knew how. After all; he'd learned from the best.

* * *

When Rimmer was certain he couldn't chew another bite, Lister wiped his mouth and helped him lay down again.  
“You just rest, Arnie. When you're well we're gonna have a few fun weeks at home for a while. Play a few games, watch a few movies.”  
To his relief a flicker of interest stirred in Rimmer's eyes.  
“Games?” Rimmer asked, his voice sounding a bit stronger. “What sort of games? Board games?”  
“Whatever you want Rimmer. It's yours to choose.”  
A smile on pale features: “Mineopoly. No-ones ever beaten me at that.”  
Lister grinned: “Well, there's a first time for everything!”  
A sparkle in Rimmer's eyes: “You just wait till I'm better! Prepare to be beaten, Miladdo!!”  
“We'll see Rimmer, we'll see …”


End file.
